Ahhhh…..A few minutes to slooooow down.  Since I’ve gone back to work, I have been busily adapting to a whole new phase of parenting- the working mother. And then Christmas, which is always a craze. But now I am in Winnipeg, and the Dandenau’s – Lydia included – are all gone indoor rock climbing, but I am stuck at home because little Justin has the chicken pox, which I haven’t had, and I don’t feel like getting anytime soon. So, although I wish I could be scaling a wall with the Dandeneau’s, it is nice to get a few minutes to chillax :)

So, let’s rewind a couple months and reflect. Going back to work. Oh, boy. I had been mentally preparing for months leading up to the big day, so I was prepared. As much as that is possible. The first week, was actually not that bad. Except for one small crying scenario. Me, not Lydia.

Lydia wasn’t happy about the change at first either. She cried a lot as I left. But I am told she quickly forgot all about old mamitra, and played all day until around 2 or 3 when she would get a little fussy and make the milk sign a lot (opening and closing her fist). But around 3 weeks in, she really began to adapt. She now just fusses a little bit. A half-assed prostest really. Sometimes she doesn’t even muster up that. I always say good-bye and she knows I’ll come back. And she loves her babysitter, Diane. It feels so good to know that she feels confident and safe with Diane. But, I can’t deny, that it also feels good to know that even though she spends a lot of time away from me now, there is no replacing momma. I come home at the end of the day, between 4 or 5 and walk (or more accurately, run) in the door. As soon as she sees me she drops whatever she is doing and starts running towards me, giggling with her arms out. We hug and then after around 15 seconds she starts pulling at my shirt. She is ready for her ‘re-connect to mommy’ nursing session. While we nurse, I normally catch up on Lydia’s day with Diane. Once Lydia is done, she normally giggles again. Then she looks up at Diane with a grin and waves bye-bye. As if to say, ‘okay, Diane that was fun, but now it’s mommy-time…so…catch you later’. Evenings have never been so sweet. We normally play for a while, then Steph comes home, we make and eat supper, have a bath together and then into bed. We read a couple stories and then she nurses to sleep. Sweet indeed. It is hard not to see Lydia all day, but with my reduced work hours, I still get plenty of quality-time with Lydia each day. I am adapting.

At the office, I actually found subsequent weeks harder as I found myself needing to adapt more than I thought. After 12 months away, not only did I change, but the office changed. Our small team grew by three lawyers, including a new boss. Many of my files have been taken over by other lawyers. Relations with the client also seem different – more controlled. It was weird. It was my old job, but different. And at first everything seemed just so boring to me. I was like, god being a lawyer is awful. Reading laws? Drafting contacts? Blurk! For the first time, it also hit home what the reality of a big law firm job means for family life. I am not there yet. I am on reduced work hours (a whole other kettle of fish…being the only one to have ever done that in the Montreal office). But I have been talking a lot with my colleagues, most of whom are fathers with babies or young children at home. Not one…not ONE of them eats supper with their families. They see their children a few minutes a day. During a busy week, they sometimes don’t see their children at all. It seems so sick and disgusting to me. How can we, as a society, say that that’s okay? How can you, as a parent, say that your kids are the most important thing and then, on a daily basis, make the decision to choose work over them? I guess people convince themselves that they do it to make lots of money so they can give everything to their children. If they looked deeper, however, I am convinced the reality is that it is pure personal ambition, material greed and an intense need for societal recognition that makes them choose their work over family. After all, how much material wealth do children need to be happy? Very little.

And this is why folks, not unsurprisingly, that there are very few women who stay at big firms during those early parenting years. When I got back to work, I sought out young moms to see how they manage to balance their job with their role as a mom. Guess how many women I had to talk to? None. Yup. None. There were a few before I left, but they have since all left. All of them. Crap.

As for me, I have one year of reduced hours and then I have important decisions to make. It is a tough realisation that I can’t do it all. I can’t work and compete in a big law firm and still be a present mother. The reality is that I would be competing (and let’s face it, there is an aspect of competition in the lawyerly world) against people who are willing to put in a lot more hours, spend a lot more time on the road. It means I have to step back and redefine success in a very serious way. Being a mom is to0 important to just jump in the big corportate river and start swimming as hard as I can to get ahead. I am not sure what my own river will be. But I am looking. Mostly inside for now. It is a bit scary, to be frank. Taking the road well-travelled may be a lot of hours, but it’s safe and seemingly predicable. But I guess motherhood, and working-motherhood is not for the faint hearted.

Anyhow. That’s me right now. But when I am not wallowing in internal wonderings, I am immensely enjoying Lydia’s second Christmas. It is such a joy to watch her learn and grow and get to now her family. She has become an expert at opening presents, and getting decorations off the tree. And yesterday, she learned how to call out to people. This morning, she was at the bottom of the stairs, and all I heard from my bed was ‘MAAAAMAAMAA’. When I popped around the corner, she looked very pleased that she was able to beckon me. She later beckoned her pappa too. Very cute. But it makes me realize how I need to watch myself. I have a tendency to call out for people instead of going to them. Not a great habit, and now one that I’ve passed on to my 13 month old. Haha.

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