I know I have been going endlessly on and on about Lydia’s sleep in this blog for months. I guess Lydia’s sleep has become my nemesis. A dark obsession that I will either overcome, or will be the end of me. Well…kinda. Anyway, I appologize for the ranting in advance.

Lydia had her 9 month check up a few days ago (at 10 and a half months, but that’s Quebec health care). Dr. Boyer gave her full marks for size, development, health and general cuteness. But when she heard that she is still waking up 3 or 4 times a night, and that I’m back to work in a few weeks, she had some words for me. ‘She doesn’t need the milk’. ‘You are going to be exhausted when you go back to work’. Blah, blah, blah. I’ve heard it all before. I know. I hung my head. Not because of shame. No, because I realized I can no longer do what I’ve been doing for the last 8 months. Smile politely to the ranting while smugly thinking to myself ‘I will never sleep train my baby’, ‘sleep training is cruel’, ‘I am not going to force anything on my baby before she is ready’. No, not that day. I hung my head because I can no longer deny that something needs to be done. I am sinking. In the deepest darkest moments of the night, I find myself resenting Lydia. 24 hour on-call 7 days a week is slowly emptying every inner resource I have. I now have big bags under my eyes. I actually look quite old. Personal hygiene is not what it used to be. Right now I am making it though the day, but I get a nap every morning, while Steph takes Lydia. Work will take that lifesaver away from me.

Getting to this point has been hard, and even now I am taking the least gutsy kind of sleep training possible. My plan is to start by cutting out her middle of the night feed. The idea being once she starts eating less and not expecting the breast, she will just not bother waking so much. It is still me going in, lying next to her, patting her back, cuddling her…just refusing to feed her. Well, we have now completed five nights. And she woke up for 2 hours in the middle of the night for the first 3 nights. Last 2 nights have been better, but I have been giving into the milk quicker because of exhaustion. It is a pretty gentle slow approach to sleep training, but that’s all I got right now and, frankly, I don’t feel okay with pushing her too much anyway.

Once she eats less, maybe I’ll try sending Steph in…ooohh. Big steps.

Wish us luck! We seriously need it.

xoxo

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